Redneck Etiquette - DRIVING ETIQUETTE

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
  
  

PERSONAL HYGIENE

	Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
	If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
	While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
	Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT

• Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
  
  Redneck Etiquette - ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

• If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. 

DATING (Outside the Family)

	Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
	Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
	If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

• Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
• When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
• A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
• For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

• Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
• The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
• Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya hear?

Trivia Questions, June 25^th

1.     What movie recently topped the American Film Institute’s list of 100 greatest movies for the second time?

2.     What television show of the late 1950s featured The Adventures of Spin and Marty serials?

3.     What popular game show introduced into popular culture the catch phrase: Is that your final answer?

4.     What race was Libby Riddles the first female to win?*

5.     What was the first country to adopt Daylight Savings Time?*

6.     What freshwater, bottom-feeding fish with four “whiskers” is the largest type of minnow?*

7.     Name the author whose fictional characters include John Carter of Mars and Carson of Venus.

8.     In the world of DC comics, who is the Oracle’s secret identity?

9.       What baseball player was described by Satchel Paige as "so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark!"?

10.   What famous statesman is credited with the quote: He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Answers Will Be Posted Sunday

*Taken or adapted from Trivia's Why Vol. 3

THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM YOUR CAT

Make the world your playground.

 

Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.
  If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
until you do.

When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.

Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.

Nap often.

When in trouble, just purr and look cute.

Life is hard, and then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
hours.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them.

Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
are there.

Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.

Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care."

When you have something important to say, try to say
it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention
you deserve.

 

 

 

Love Thy Husband

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him." "Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs." "Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

 

 

Bookworm

"For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined. "What?" Chris replied. "Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!" "I'm sorry, honey," Chris said. "Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed. "Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

 

 

You're a Statue

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. 'Don't move! You're a statue!' The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she. The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

 

 

Things You Never Use

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!" "Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you at least let me explain?" "Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied. "Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained Glen. "I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me." "Then," Glen continued, "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"

 

 

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

 

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

 

1967-2007 Here are some of the performers who were instrumental in shaping American music and culture during the Summer of Love.

 If You Are Going To San Francisco

Somebody to Love – Jefferson Airplane

Light My Fire – The Doors

Me and Bobby McGee – Janis Joplin

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band- The Beatles