The Library Cat by L.Cat

What is the difference between a dog and a cat?

A dog lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water without my having to do anything. They must be gods!"
A cat lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water without my having to do anything. I must be a god!"

Cat Laws of Physics

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

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Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, t herefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of t he furniture.
Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Law of Selective Listening: Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.
Law of Equidistant Separation: All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

Law of Cat Invisibility: Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.
Law of Space-Time Continuum: Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
Law of Concentration of Mass: A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle): It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.
Law of Cat Obedience: As yet undiscovered.

You Know You're a Dog Person When...

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose prints all over the inside.

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs its walk.
You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night.
You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all its favorite spots.
You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.

You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site.
You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's).
You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a two-legged person in it...