God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered...

ONE I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. TWO My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. THREE I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. FOUR Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... FIVE All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX If all is not lost, where is it? SEVEN It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. EIGHT I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... NINE It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. TEN Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

ELEVEN If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. TWELVE When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? THIRTEEN It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. FOURTEEN The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. FIFTEEN These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

CONSOLIDATIONS IN '07

-----------------------------------

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co.  will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally ...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Ti++y Ti++y Bang Bang

1. What is the largest organ in the human body?

2. What is the imaginary line at 0 longitude that runs from the North to the South Pole?

3. What great civilization had Tenochtitlan as its capital?

4. In 1861, the Civil War began when Southern troops fired on...?

5. Who was the first black actor to win a Best Actor Academy Award?  (Bonus: Name the movie)

6. During the Revolutionary War, which Patriot did the colonists send to France seeking help?

7. What sitcom TV reporter once said: I feel like June Cleaver on acid?

8. Name the sports movie that gave us this quote: These guys don't look so tough.  Yeah, that's what Custer said when the Indians took the field.

9.  By what nickname is Jiles Perry (J.P.) Richardson, Jr. better known?

10. Name the classic book whose first line reads: You will rejoice to hear that no disaster has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings.  (Bonus: Name the author)
    
    

Answers Posted on Monday, July 23rd

I thought you loved me!

You just wait ... I'll get even with you for this....

You said the water was warm!!

I don't like you anymore.....

I'm gonna sit here until you get the towel ... now go!

You're squeezing too tight ... look at my eyes ... they say "tilt"!

No, I am NOT your good kitty!

What's wrong with you people? This is cruel....and....WET!

Why can't I get any traction?

I wish I could get on my knees to pray

No, no, no, no! Damn it all ... I said "NO!"

How to clean your toilet



Instructions on how to clean your toilet :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

This actually applies to drivers of both sexes.

 

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

 

 

 Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

 

 

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

 

 

 The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

 

 

 I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

 

 

 

 

 

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."