The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you SO worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Let's go to Tiffany's.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: You should take a nice hot bath.

The definition of PMS...Pack My Suitcase

General Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

	Entertaining In Your Home A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside The Family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Baking cookies with your cat

1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe. 

2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.

11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.

14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Looking at cat and wanting to bake cat now.
Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.

18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled
and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.

21. Can sense cat is angry.

22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches
on arms and legs.
24. Cleanup bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen ..
Oh Golly .. now what?
26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys and go to store to buy cookies!!!

Trivia Questions, July 30^th

1.     What is the first word of the Declaration of Independence?

2.     What is the oldest continuously inhabited city in the world?

3.     By what name is singer Ernest Evans better known?

4.     Name the NFL team to move from one city only later to return.

5.     Who crafted and popularized the men’s wristwatch in 1904?

6.     What literary work gives us the quote: "To die will be an awfully big adventure."?

7.     Name the movie that gives us this dialogue: I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, AND I'm armed! Don't MESS with me! (Bonus: Name the character and the actor/actress who plays the role)

8.     John Travolta first gained fame playing what sweathog in the 1975 show Welcome Back, Kotter.  (Bonus: Who played Kotter)

9.     What motel chain used the slogan: We’ll leave a light on for you. ? (Name the spokesman)

10.  In math, what is the lowest prime number?

Answers Will Be Posted on Monday, August 6^th