Signs Your Mobile Home is Haunted
1. Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.
2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.
3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.
4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.
5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.
6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.
7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.
8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.
9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.
10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight. (I would just think this was my son and daughter in his bedroom! - J.R.)
11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.
12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin.
13. Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out "Achy Breaky Heart."
14. There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib -- no
wait, that's just Jimmy.
15. You hear strange moaning - but only during Shania Twain videos.
16. You're missing four PBR's, and the missus only drinks Old
Milwaukee.
17. The lights turn on and off even though you paid the power bill.
18. You hear blood-curdling screams, but both neighbors are still in jail.
19. You get a mysterious phone call that says, "I know what you did last NASCAR race."
20. Instead of saying "Boo," the ghost says "Boo-ya'll!"
21. The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin ... and he's taking a leak on YOU!
22. Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have
pictures of covered bridges on them.
23. The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your own.
24. You get a creepy feelin' and it ain't because that Richard Simmons is on TV.
25. You come home one day and it's ... clean!
Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when
one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started
choking.
Hans ran inside to get help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"
Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination." shouts the second.
The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says the second.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:
"GET OFF MY DARN HOOD, YOU LITTLE CREEP!"
The Top 10 Houses to AVOID while Trick-or Treating
1. Any house that seems to be imploding into a space-time wormhole.
2. Any house made of food.
3. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement.
4. Any house where the high tension wires suddenly stop right above it.
5. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas.
6. Any house that growls "get out."
7. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking across the living room floor.
8. Any house that looks like a giant pulsating orb floating 3 feet off the
ground.
9. Any house with various and extremely realistic statues in the front yard
of people in odd "running away" poses.
10. Any house that wasn't there only a minute ago...
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