Please for my wife.  I'm on my way back to the hospital.  I had to come home and give our cat, Twink, his heart medicine.

Turns out, Twink and Chris, share heart trouble.  Her school called me to say they thought she was having a heart attack and they were calling 911.  I met the ambulance at the hospital.  They gave her two shots of Nitro.  She's stable.

The ER is a zoo right now.   She was still in triage when she insisted I come home to give Twink his meds.  I'm on my way back now.  We've been there about 5 hours so far.  This is the quickest way I know to get some folks praying.

Old Is When...

Your friend compliments you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just
as long as you don't have to go along.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and 
your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"Getting a little action" means, "I don't 
need to take any fiber today."

You are cautioned to slow down by 
the doctor instead of the police.

An "all nighter" means not getting 
up to go use the bathroom!

"Getting lucky" means you find your 
car in the parking lot.

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study that reported that men use an average of 15,000 words a day, but women use 30,000 words a day.

The wife promply told him that women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men.

Looking stunned, the husband said, "What?"

"Women use twice as many words because they have to repeat everything they say to men!"

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops Or to the crooks. Regis, Kelly and Kathie Lee (Why take Chances) would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle." It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time,
chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky,
and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level,
then beat you with experience.



A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month
than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.



If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.