1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think     we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,     don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat     nice and have no money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money       and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST       MOVE!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest      in us when we take the initiative.

NOW...WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?!?!

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

Women Training Courses

(Or Why I Joined the Witness Protection Program)

 

  Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

 

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

 

 

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

 

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

 

12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

 

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

 

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

 

 

Sherry and I have been engaging in a battle of the sexes posting game for the last week  She posted a courses for men posts last week.  Being a man, I have to "fix" her post because she left off one or two things that all of us male types need to know. This post is dedicated to Sherry.  (Please no violence)

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? -You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I 7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In The Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill 15. Retro? Or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts 16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 18. Strange But True: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond Pizza Hut 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Is it not every guy's fantasy to take home and ravage the demure librarian ?  Bring out the bad girl in her ?

Isn't it ever woman's fantasy to have her hair up in a bun, like a librarian and flirtatiously take the clip out, slowly and shake it out?  All sexy, with a come hither look and pouty lips ?

Ah, yes so many reasons to go to the public library.  Now that was a c*&%$ block !

When was the last time you visited the library ? Probably when you quit college in 1990 something for the third time, oh no, that's me. Remember researching for papers, which I didn't mind, but how heavy were those encyclopedias?

And that dewey decimal system ?  What kind of left brained sadist thought that one up ?

Who needs a library now with Google at our fingertips?  We all have a private library in our own home. 

It's a great way to end disagreements at 2:00 am when the library is closed....

Tell me this scenario never happened in your home...

"Who sings this song?"

"KISS"

"No it's not..."

"Yep, it is"

Tap, tap, tap, tap....

Kiss | New York Groove lyrics

ACE FREHLEY lyrics - New York Groove

"Okay, Ace Frehley, I was close....did I ever tell you the story of when I met him ?"

Well you get the picture...who needs the library ?

Shhhhh, it's a secret - I do !

The local library is now my new favorite place to hang.  For real.

And, it's not like I am meeting a boy there to steal a kiss with by the periodicals either!  Dad, I hope you are not reading this. 

My son and I started frequenting the library last year...you know the Mommy and Me classes?  He sits in a semi-circle and listens attentively to a story being read while I clean out my purse, I mean eagerly pay attention to Curious George AGAIN. Then as a bonus we get to make arts and crafts together which ties into the theme of the story..oooh...I just love when Elmer's Glue gets stuck on my fingers ..tons of monkey fun !

Then one day the library was having a book sale.  They were selling books....perfectly good hard cover NY Times best seller books for.. get this..ONE DOLLAR !!   I am in book heaven....!  Look the Da Vinci Code for one dollar...I need to replace it since I lent it out (I am my family and friends local library) and never got it back. 

They also have videos to rent...for free !  Who needs Blockbuster !  Okay, now I am getting carried away.  There are no recent releases but you can get Doctor Zhivago for two weeks no charge.  Trust me, it's well worth it but it will take two full weeks to view.

But here is my favorite part of the local library....free magazines to take home, did I mention FREE ?  Forever !

Yes ! Why pay $4-5 for a magazine ?

I have last Spring's Martha Stewart in my bathroom err library right now...Spring is Spring right ? 2007 - 2008 who cares, the perennials don't know the difference.

Last Wednesday I discovered the coolest magazine ever...DEPARTURES.   The cover called my name. 

When I picked it up and opened it, I opened to a Salman Rushdie article and then an Elizabeth Gilbert article.....I quickly threw it in my library bag of $1.75 worth of .25 cent paperbacks. Put it this way, my local supermarket certainly does not carry this magazine.  Some uber cool middleclass artist wannabe read it and dumped it off...I think for ME personally !

THANK YOU !

Support your public library, you may find the inner sexy librarian in you at last !

Dottie Rambo

March 2, 1934 — May 11, 2008

R.I.P.

I grew up in St. Louis,MO.  As a teen,  my church youth group used to attend gospel singings at the Kingsland Theater.  Local gospel singers, the Lester Family hosted the singings.  One of the groups that appeared on a fairly regular basis was the Singing Rambos.  Buck, Dottie and Reba would share their faith through their songs.  Most of the songs were from the pen of Dottie Rambo.

This past Sunday at about 2:00 a.m. Dottie Rambo was killed in an accidnt when her tour bus ran off the road near Marshall, MO.  Authorities think that high winds and storms that swept through the area caused the bus to crash into the guard rail and embankment.

  The bus driver, Ronnie Meadows, is in serious condition and Ms. Rambo’s manager, Larry Ferguson, and his wife and his two children, are also hospitalized in Springfield, Mo., the report says.

Chris Barnes, 22, Ms. Rambo’s Web master and Mr. Ferguson’s assistant, was in serious condition.

He Looked Beyond My Fault and Saw My Need

If That Isn't Love

The Holy Hills of Heaven (with Vestal Goodman)

I Go To the Rock

We Shall Behold Him