Haircuts - The difference between men and women |
Women's version:
Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 2: Oh no, it's perfect! I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man 2: Haircut?
Man 1: Yeah.
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SHE SAID: Where Men Are Better Than Dogs:
Men only have 2 feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men are a little more subtle.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
WELL, HE DIDN'T REALLY GET THE POINT, SO HE SAID:
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women:
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't mind if you use their shampoo.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
The later you are the more excited a dog is to see you.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Dogs love to eat red meat.
Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor.
Dogs parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instinct is better than asking for directions.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained to your house.
Dogs can't talk.
WELL, THAT TOUCHED OFF THE WAR, AND SHE SAID:
How Dogs Are Better Than Men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they don't laugh at the way you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come in the house.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
NOW, WARMED UP, SHE GOT IN THE LAST WORD, OF COURSE...
How Dogs And Men Are The Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Neither knows how to talk on the phone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Judgement Day arrives. God reviews the billions of people assembled, and says, "Welcome to Heaven. Women, go with Saint Peter. Men, form two lines. One line shall be men who dominated their women on Earth. The other line shall be men who were dominated by their women."
After much movement and shuffling, all the women are gone, and there remain two lines of men. The line of men that were dominated by their women is hundreds, perhaps thousands of miles long. The line of men that dominated women has but one man standing.
God reviews the two lines, points to the long line, and in a voice that echoes angrily throughout Heaven says, "You men should be ashamed. I created you in MY image, and you all were dominated by your mates. Behold! Only one of my sons stood up and made me proud. You shall learn from him!"
God turns to the one man standing, smiles, and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one in that line?" And the man says, "I don't know, Lord. My wife told me to stand here."
Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
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The Counsellor
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her. He picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."
The Psychic
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
Big Game Hunter
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.
Women's Views On Men
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
Pay Phone
A man needed to call home, but the only pay phone he could find was in use. So, he stood to the side and waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Ten minutes later, he was still not talking.
Finally, the man tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked if he could use the phone. "I really would be long, but I really need to make an important call."
"Hold your horses," responded the man using the pay phone, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."
Men And Woman Compared
NICKNAMES:
If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, deodorant, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
For the Ladies to Better Understand Men
Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, guns, sports or food. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don’t ask.
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t… and if you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your a$$ look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
(This one was posted by good friend “tford” on CSP Gun Talk’s Political Page. Ol’ Tom will be easy to recognize. He woke up this morning with an icepick stuck in his earhole)
